300 – Please Don’t Screw This One Up

It’s been quite a while since our group walked out of the screening of Alien vs. Predator, wide-eyed and stunned at the terrible acting and idiotic story. Being the eternal optimist, I held out hope until the last half hour of the film, but to no avail. Why was I not surprised, or any of us for that matter? And why, you may ask, did I end up buying the DVD when it came out? I can only answer that with four words:

“Know what to expect.”

We all went into the movie knowing full well that it was a popcorn flick. I, personally, went for no other reason than to see the two creatures pitted against each other in battle. The lack luster acting and reaching plot didn’t affect me in the least, because I bought my ticket with full expectations of seeing crap. That does not mean, however, that I did not enjoy it (as evidence of my DVD collection). The fight scenes were fantastic, and I was able to eat my candy to two franchise greats that ranked at the top of my ‘favorites’ list. Yes, I knew what to expect, and anything more than that was a bonus. As with any cult favorite (and we all have them, those dark film skeletons in the back of our closets), you’re most likely not going to receive the silver screen’s pedigree. But I digress….

At the beginning of March, Frank Miller’s “300″ will be released to audiences, and I must say I went through the gambit of emotions while watching the trailer. It tells the story of the Battle of Thermopylae, where 300 Spartan soldiers held off waves of the massive Persian army at a small hot spring. It was, historically, one of the finest examples of valor and courage, blind or not. That being said, if you’ve seen the trailer for the movie, you will notice many, MANY historical inaccuracies, ranging from charging rhinos and elephants behind the Persian lines, to a tattooed, body-pierced menacing Xerxes, the Persian King.

Having great interest in this era, I couldn’t help but feel betrayed as Hollywood was bastardizing another moment in history that doesn’t need any “spicing up” to begin with (don’t even get me started on Pearl Harbor). Can’t we just tell a story, people?! Is the fact that 300 soldiers held off millions not enough of a pillar to stand on for a plot? In a few years, we’ll see a movie about how the World Trade Center was brought down by a dragon army, with Justin Timberlake leading troops in to tame the fallen beasts and turn them against each other. And the sad part is, we will go and watch it – and it will probably do well.

Now for the flip side of the coin, the Devil’s Advocate’s review. In keeping with the “know what to expect” motto, I can sit content with the realization that this movie is not meant to be historically accurate, nor is it meant to portray events as they happened (at least to a fine point). It is based on a graphic novel by an artist known for his fantastic renditions and very characteristic mood. Having seen Sin City and loved it, I am withholding any judgments against this movie from an artistic viewpoint. In fact, I can’t wait to see it and would easily say that I haven’t been this excited for a film in quite a while.

I’ll be in line to see this when it comes out, no doubt, but I am praying that they at least do the content (as skewed as it may be from actual events) justice. I am more than ready to suspend disbelief for this, so I’ll stick to the history books for the nitty gritty, and watch “300″ to see those events through the eye of an artist.

Check out these links to learn more about the real Battle of Thermopylae:
Wikipedia – The Battle of Thermopylae – The facts.
Gates of Fire by Stephen Pressfield – Historical fiction that follows a young scribe, and lone survivor of the battle.
The Hoplite – Battle analysis and geographic information.

Review – Queen of the Damned

Anne Rice’s famous vampire Lestat (Stuart Townsend) comes to us as the lead man in a goth/rock band titled simply, “Lestat.” When he uses his fame to announce publicly that there are vampires living among the masses, the undead do not take it well, and plan to kill him at his next concert. No one, however, expects Lestat’s announcement to unearth a greater evil – Akasha (Aaliyah), the brutal and beautiful mother of all vampires from centuries ago.

Sure, the whole storyline feels a little forced and hokey. In fact, one would even go so far as to call it ridiculous. I must admit that I did not begin this movie with high expectations, and perhaps that was the very reason I was pleasantly surprised with it.

The movie did a nice job of combining past events with current, giving the viewer a good synopsis of what has come to pass for our lead character. While the goth vampire cliché is a little overused and tired in my opinion, the film was moody, atmospheric and kept me interested to see what would happen next. The romantic vampire lore is done in traditional Rice fashion, delivered with one of the more impressive dark and sensual love scenes I’ve seen. Relationships between the characters were a little underdeveloped, but nevertheless were held up by a story that was not all that bad. There were some questionable explanations near the end of the film, but it was enough to look the other way.

If you can get by all of the black-leather-bound, club-going stereotypes in the modern portions of this film, this is definitely worth a rent. I wouldn’t say it is a close second to Interview with a Vampire, lacking final gap-filling details to the plot, but if you take it for what it’s worth, it’s a fun watch.

Reveiw – Tremors

In the vein of Critters, Ghoulies, Gremlins and every other “what type of monster is it” movie, Tremors falls short. When small town handymen Valentine (Kevin Bacon) and Earl (Fred Ward) decide that better things await them in the big city, they pack up their truck and head on the only road out of Perfection, Nevada. Trouble finds them when the local construction crew working on the road are buried far beneath a rockslide, thereby squashing any attempts out of the one-horse town. They head back only to discover that a number of subterranean worm-like creatures are plaguingg the area.
Through all of the bad dialogue and acting that left much to be desired, I couldn’t help but think that this was a poor rip-off of Frank Herbert’s Dune. The giant sand-traveling creatures are guided strictly by vibration, able to reach incredible burrowing speeds and are a menace to anyone out on the open desert. Even a girl on a pogo stick makes an appearance in a terrible parallel of the popular “thumpers” used on Arrakis to attract the sand worms.

That being said, I’m not sure if this movie wanted to be scary or funny, but it most certainly did not achieve the former. From the coincidental seismologist love interest (Finn Carter) to the gun-toting redneck couple that has a small arsenal in the belly of their house, this film was only worth one watch. It could pass as a fun Halloween movie, I suppose, but it’s light-hearted at best.

I can’t say that I liked it, but I also can’t say that I hated it. To me, it’s the comedy that wanted to be a horror movie, complete with one-liners and all.

Review – Identity

Imagine being stranded at a wayside motel with 10 others during a freak thunderstorm, only to discover that a killer is among you, picking people off one by one. Sounds like your run-of-the-mill murder mystery, right? It is, but with a clever twist that offers countless red herrings, pointing fingers and an air of nervousness that allows you to trust no one.

Identity blends the lines of psychological thriller and hack n’ slash horror in a setting that is both remote and personal at the same time. In the confines of the storm-wracked motel, you are forced to come to the conclusion that anybody in the room could be the guilty party.

Character development, unfortunately, is focused on about 3 or 4 (5, if you want to argue) of the ten people within the film. The rest seem to be fodder for the plot, quite literally, serving only as warm bodies for the killer to announce his presence. However, the people that are key to the story get deserved screen time and are fleshed out nicely, no pun intended.

The scenery and the moods it sets are fantastic, pinning down exactly what I would imagine the directors wanted you to feel – confinement. Dreary colors against hot neon signs and fluorescent bulbs offer cold contrast and a bleak feeling that helps the film’s endless rainstorm saturate the entire area in gloom.

I found this to be extremely entertaining, thoughtful and at times over-the-top. Even if you figure the puzzle out before the movie’s end, I still think you’ll have a good time waiting until the end to see if you’re really correct. Lots of suspense and lots of atmosphere did it for me.

Review – Reign of Fire

If I had to pick one word to describe this movie: adrenaline. The movie is a typical post-apocalyptic, fight-for-survival film, with the obvious moviegoer draw being the dragons. As far as the plot is concerned, it is riddled with inconsistencies and bites off more than it can chew as it tries to explain in technical terms how the beasts multiplied so quickly. When all is said and done, what you have is an entertaining story, characters who are stereotyped incredibly, and a virtual feast for your eyes and ears.

I found that the pace of the movie was incredibly slow up until the arrival of Matthew McConaughey, and shortly thereafter, the dragons. However, I’d also have to argue that the contrast of pace proves useful when the action eventually does happen. I’m of the opinion that the directors of the movie tried to use the first hour to tell the back-story, but all it really does for me is show the desolation of the futuristic world – maybe that’s equally as effective.

If you like real-world, logical explanations for your fantasy/sci-fi films, I wouldn’t recommend seeing this. However, if you can get by the watered-down plotline, the film is full of cliché characters who do not fail to entertain and a landscape that draws you in whether you like it or not. When you walk out of this popcorn movie, you should be on the edge of your seat. If you’re not, you probably expected too much.

Review – Silver Streak

In typical Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor fashion, the antics in Silver Streak are sure to please. This cozy mystery/adventure has a very intimate and feel-good plot that, for me anyway, makes you feel as if you’re right there with the actors.

Wilder, a book editor on his way to his sister’s wedding, decides to travel cross-country by train instead of plane for a little R&R. What he didn’t expect was to meet a beautiful woman, become wrapped up in a large crime investigation and have to clear his name with the help of an over-the-top thief (Richard Pryor).

Since most of the movie takes place on the Silver Streak train, audiences are treated to a close atmosphere with all of the characters on board, almost as if you were traveling with them. Add to that some endearing performances, a few bad guys and some comic relief – you’ve got yourself a fun little story.

Although Pryor comes in a little late in the movie for my tastes, Wilder’s romantic interest with secretary Hilly Burns (Jill Clayburgh) is a fun progression to watch and makes for a nice plot build up. Again, I have yet to see Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor in a movie together and not enjoy it, and this is simply another example.

Expect a typical comedy storyline, try to suspend some disbelief, and get ready to travel with a host of extremely interesting characters.

Review – Vampires: Los Muertos

What happens when a professional vampire hunter and a host of rag tag followers attempt to quell a rising evil in the Mexican countryside? In this case, a big steaming pile of garbage. Hired undead hit man Derek Bliss (Bon Jovi) travels across the desolated Mexican landscape in search of four other fellow hunters to help him in his latest assignment. To his dismay, he finds them all dead, and is forced to take shelter in a small town’s monastery. There, a group of unprecedented ridiculous characters are assembled to take the dead mens’ places.

The acting, the attempts at fear, storyline, continuity, character concepts – all of it, done terribly. The dialogue is laughable to the point of mild entertainment, and the reasoning for the story progression is so absurd, I was dumbfounded for most of the movie. No explanation was given for certain events, and even the key moments were lackluster.

I’m usually pretty liberal with my movie reviews, but this crap-tastic piece is just beyond the benefit of the doubt. The credit that the movie is getting from me is due simply to the fact that John Carpenter’s name is on it.

Some people may view this as campy fun, so if you’re really, really hard up – give it a rent. Otherwise, there are plenty of other good vampire movies out there. This one unfortunately, is livin’ on a prayer.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Review – The Ninth Gate

Roman Polanski did a great job in transferring this novel to the big screen. Rare book detective Dean Corso (Johnny Depp) is commissioned by famous collector Boris Balkan (Frank Langella) to prove the authenticity of his latest acquisition – The Nine Gates of the Kingdom of Shadows. The book, one of only three in existence, is rumored to have the power to conjure the Prince of Darkness himself. The business minded and almost sleazy Corso accepts the deal with the promise of a large payoff, but the occult tome eventually turns out to be more than just an ancient myth.

The entire aura of this film gave me a satisfactory Sherlock Holmes feeling, coupled nicely with shadowy occult overtones and locations that made you forget that you were watching a film. The atmosphere was thick enough to draw you in and keep you there, waiting to see what which turn the book detective would take next.

Dialogue was this movie’s strongpoint – it was a truly a pleasure listening to Depp and Langella, especially when they shared the same scenes. The words were realistic, emotional and very effective in their contexts. The characters that spoke them were equally as compelling, and as I’ve said above, the locations fit the bill perfectly.

Corso’s companion that he meets along the way (Lena Olin) is quite predictable as far as her role is concerned, but on the same token she plays a notable character that works well with Depp.

This is one that I would consider buying for my own collection, if not just for a good eerie movie. It’s watchable more than once, in my mind, simply due to the attractive atmosphere and well-rounded characters. Be prepared for a somewhat confusing ending, possibly forced by the movie’s producers, but an enjoyable story nonetheless.